"Mommy thoughts"

November 2012
Things have been running thru my head lately as I prepare for this as much a possible. I do recognize that my faith is strong and yet lately (like i have in the past) question, how strong would my faith be should this not turn out the way I hope and pray it does. Is Gavin only given to me for a short time?

Am I strong? Am I strong because I know I'm suppose to be? Is this a front and am I just fooling myself and everyone else?

There is a little voice that says to me, you of faith, how great would your faith be if he doesn't make it? I know what that little voice is and who it comes from because the voice of God is not a little voice to me and I know that doesn't come from him so I try and try to ignore it and reject it. Yet it still doesn't stop me from hearing it.

Oh how I have cried all the way home on several occassions thinking about it. It devastates me to even imagine! Then I think what great joy Gavin has given me these couple of years and would God allow that to end? Is that all that was intended? We are all here for such a short while and horrible things do happen and people do leave us FAR too soon, is that what we are going to face? I don't know, we don't know. Ofcourse we try not to feel that way, because our God is so Great and Loving and Kind and Gracious and Merciful... the Healer. Things happen, it's not our Will but his Will and well I have just really been trying to not feed into that creepy little voice and I m being positive really positive and not worrying about it (whether or not what I've written speaks that) I/ we really have been okay with it.

Moving forward, making plans and praying and keeping spirits up. I know everyone will say, you can't think negative. Well to me that is just a blanket statement, ofcourse I shouldn't, I know that but it's the reality of everything and its one day at a time and it's one procedure at a time and this is our normal. I am just expressing what I have been thinking from time to time. I don't think these feelings are uncommon.

From here... I/ We am just trying to stay close to God (because I know he is always near its me that pulls away) and allowing him to lead us like he has so many times before and like he did to Gavin's early doctors appointment WHICH was an answer to all of my prayers over the last year. I can't even explain how amazing that was. We are all doing good and being strong.

It just stinks that Gavin can not comprehend or even realize what he is facing. There is no way for me to talk to him about this at his age. I can't say "Dr" or "hospital" around him. He says, "No Dr's, no boo boos" 

All he needs to know is, "Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, God you are HIGHER than any OTHER. Our God the Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God, Our God" AMEN

May 4th 2011. 
My mind is racing. Things hit me from all directions, without warning.
Ironically, I had a Liver checkup at my Liver speciallist here at U of M.  While in the waiting room, it dawned on me, I was alone. Justin went home to talk to work and gather things and I didn't have Gavin with me either. I miss him so much. I miss my little man. Yes he is still here with us and I am so fortunate for that, so completely blessed but I miss him terribly, if you know what I mean. 

By his bedside today, waiting for the doctors rounds this morning. I was caressing his cheek and his hair, just touching him as much as I possibly could and 1st reality check hit me. Telling him to rest and allow God to heal him, that Gavin would be healing, being taken off vent and being awake and alert only for him to have surgery and for him to be a wreck all over again and even in more pain and hooked up to everything under the sun, purple, 3 times his size. The rest of the reality check is was that I would be getting my Gavin back for a while. BUT at least I will be getting him back right?!  Right. 

It's so surreal being here at U of M again this time of year. Last week, all I could think about was the day he was born, we left home for Ann Arbor, it was cold and wet and dreary. We didn't get a chance to visit home until 2 weeks later and it was SUMMER. Friday is his 1 year anniversary of first heart surgery.  We will be here no big deal, it's just weird. We are here, I am 15 weeks pregnant with our second child, same time of year, same nurses, same rooms, same hospital smell and we are here. Weird.